You know what? I’m blaming Beyonce for this one.
That’s right Bey. I am blaming YOU for this.
Why am I blaming Beyonce you ask? You listen to the Fifty Shade of Grey version of Crazy In Love and tell me you don’t immediately squirm in anticipation! You do not drop a special version of CRAZY IN LOVE and not expect people to be all “hell yes I need to know what made this song a reality”! I mean URGH DAMN YOU BEYONCE! You made me crave this movie! Even though I just tried to reread book one and couldn’t make it more than 15% in! Even though I KNEW going in that this movie would be cringe worthy! YOU DID THIS BEYONCE! I hope you’re happy with yourself.
I’ve wanted to see the FSOG movie since the first trailer released. I read the books way back when they were first released and in all honesty I truly enjoyed them then. Of course taste change and when I recently tried to re-read them I could not handle the awful. But I still wanted to see the movie! My sister, in a roundabout way, suggested we go see it opening night and to be 100% truthful I didn’t even stop and think before screaming YES at her.
This was my first mistake.
Imagine watching porn with your adult (yet baby) sister. Seriously. Imagine sitting on the couch, eating popcorn and nachos and watching PORN with your sibling. Now multiple this by, oh lets say 20. That 20 represents the random strangers who are now watching said porn with you and your sister.
This was my life for a little over TWO HOURS! TWO HOURS PEOPLE! And why was it so awkward? Oh let me count the ways!
I’m not saying nipples in general are awkward but every 90 seconds there were nipples. NIPPLES EVERYWHERE I TELL YOU!
2. Butts…butts galore
I can never un-see the number of butts I saw tonight….never.
3. Power thrust!
Do I really have to explain this one? I mean..really?!
Then you have the dialogue. You know how, as book nerds, we always say “it was nothing like the book”? This is an instance when it was 1000% like the book it was based on.The dialogue, the “plot”. It was eerily identical to the book. There were, in my opinion, two differences. One was the chemistry! There was no sizzle! And not just the “sex”. It was in the way they “looked” at each other. The way they spoke! I know in the book, it takes time for the dialogue between them to seem natural but never do you second guess their chemistry. The second was Anastasia. I didn’t think it was possible but she had a backbone! She was awkward like the character but she had many moments of “I’ll do what I please” and I really liked that the sped this Anastasia up.
But, and this is where I will loose a few people…I still sort of enjoyed it. It wasn’t good. I’m not saying that by a LONG shot. But overall it was somehow enjoyable. Even with it’s stiff dialogue and immeasurably awkward sex scenes I still, overall, didn’t flat out hate it. My sister summed it up best to me:
“It was good. It was mostly porn and him being a creep, but it was good”
Will I go to the theaters to see the 2nd one? HELL TO THE NO! Will I buy a Blu-Ray copy and watch it at home? Umm not unless it’s 70% off. Will I stop by RedBox and rent it for ONE night and one night only? Maybe. The way this one ended (more stupid!) it left me intrigued…this could be the start of an even worse life decision but I admit I want to see what will happen next and if the awkward/stiff characters will get any better.
That said I personally can’t recommend someone going to the movies and watching. Mostly because it’s not the kind of movie you should (or would want) to watch in a room full of strangers. But if you spot it at RedBox, on a dreary day and are curious I say give it a go! The soundtrack alone makes it work the 1.50.